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Feb. 4th, 2014

I think I've come to the end of the road with eljay. This is sad! But when I was twenty two with babies I had so much in common with everyone and now...no. I thought for awhile, okay, but you grow apart and that doesn't mean the end, right? I love friends from a decade ago IRL, right? But somehow it is not the same.

And I definitely don't play the good-abortion/bad-abortion game from anyone who claims to be a feminist, also. Maybe it's the wisdom tooth drugs talking but that one was like I had fallen through the looking glass.

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Ugh, off to get wisdom teeth out. DNW. DNW!!

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Ugh. I am slipping into a January fog, and it feels awful. Ugh. The state of my mood does not reflect the state of my life? How do I climb out of this rabbit hole?

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Since before Christmas, I've been wanting to knit myself a cowl/infinity scarf type thing. Just, like, a garter-stitch kind of infinity thing. And I've walked by the box holding the yarn for it no fewer than eight times while I've cleaned up kid mess after kid mess after kids mess. Sigh.

New Years resolutions. Hmmm. Make weekdays joyful and take thoughtful pictures every day. Climb back on the primal bandwagon yet again. Well not even primal because I'm going for baby steps. No refined sugar, no grains, no processed food. Cheese and grind-your-own peanut butter and beans need to be in my life. We eat a lot of chili in these parts.

We're getting close to our Hawaii 2015 goal.

Ellie is too, too big. I stopped counting at 500 words. At this age the boys mostly just pointed and grunted.

Fuck you, HGTV. How do all of your show houses manage to have wall-to-wall fir flooring? Lies. Bullshit and filthy lies. And now this woman is serious with the sneaker wedges?

John just texted to say that his parents are coming over tonight. #notinterested

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Dec. 29th, 2013

So the new house- I mean, no lead. Not anywhere, not in anything. Not under anything. So that's the best part. The town is also pretty wonderful too, cozy and tidy and everyone takes such care of their homes. It's a relatively wealthy town and there's only 6,000 year-round residents and these two factors make it feel like everyone sort of collectively owns the town in a nice, caretakey kind of way. The schools are their pride- they pass whatever tax override people ask for-- and that's wonderful in that we have everything we need and small class sizes and gorgeous, immaculate, sunny facilities but it also feels kind of heavy because there's so much scrutiny. A reporter for the little town paper wanders the halls of the school at least once a month, looking for newsy little vignettes to show the elderly people that their tax money is well-spent. The whole town shows up to every science fair, every jazz band concert-- the sense of pride and ownership that all of these vaguely entitled people feel in their school makes for many bosses. And their interests are not always my interests- like, I want the kids to understand the two viewpoints on the West Bank Barrier and be able to write about it in structurally and syntactically complex sentences, but the town likes things with trifolds and international snacks, so getting our classroom work to be ready for that kind of venue feels tricky. This is not a complaint, at heart, because all of that focus and attention means that these schools are great places for kids.

There's a tiny, near-comical housing project in town- 18 units, put up as some kind of sweetheart deal by a developer who was negotiating with the town to extend a golf course onto some wetlands-- and the four kids in sixth grade that live there are all, somehow, on IEPs. In mattapoisett, being poor is pretty much its own learning disorder, I guess. (Get this: the school psychologist unilaterally renormed the IQ testing used to qualify kids for special ed services. She argued that since the mean of this district was so much higher than the national average, kids had to be compared to the peer groups that they were working in and not, say, data points from Mississippi. I mean...does this upset me? IDk.) Anyway, I'm understanding things a little better now, watching how these kiddos are thriving because when four out of 72 need support and very specialized instruction, you can do that and they get pulled up by their peer groups. They struggle socially on account of their lack of maritime transportation, but they grow academically in way that poor kids adrift in a sea of other poor kids do not get the chance to. Economic apartheid is no motherfucking joke, y'all.

I think I was originally updating this to review the state of the house, and the projects I had wanted to do, but now I'm thinking about my investment unit and I can't steer my brain back to re-staining the stairs. 2014 has got to be the year of mental discipline, for real.

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Dec. 29th, 2013

I am updating from the bathroom. Updating and hiding. So much togetherness! We all need our own circles, this I re-know each December break. In summer we keep our places in our own circles, maybe redistribute our hours, but in this time we all pull into one home-fire ring and it is delightful and complete fucking torture.

I caught the kids' cold. Grump grump. I need to write and mail thank-you letters to students today. You want a dunkin donuts gift card? I have well over $200 worth. Also seven arms' worth of Alex and ani bracelets.

Many home projects. Hanging photo ledges today? Want to buy all the rifle paper co prints, ever.

Need something for above the mantle that can withstand the heat of the wood stove.

Quinoa? Is it a healthy food or just a trendy one? You type out an answer while I unwrap this Reese's cup, okay?

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Dec. 26th, 2013

OMG I love this iPad air. I had a first gen iPad that I never used because it was slow and boggy and not all that usable, and we traded it in for an iPad mini for Gabe when Target had that great $250 credit back in October. But this one is so smooth and snappy! All of the back issues of Martha Stewart I downloaded onto the newsstand app will REALLY make me hate myself now! Self-loathing with animation and whimsical background music!

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A bright, abundant day. Too much of everything, right, but also kind of wonderful in the excess. Too many gifts, no one knew where to stop so there are new iPads for me and the boys and an Xbox one from my mom which john has commandeered and a gopro which filmed all day and a push-car and snow boots and bags of new clothes and books and the good silicone-dipped baking sheets and pretty mariposa salad tongs for when my splintering ikea ones will not do and good sheets and this cool Bose portable Bluetooth speaker for the new iPad air and crates of wooden fruit and a cookie baking set painted in tasteful pastels and truffles and toffee and red velvet pancakes and a ham and the good potatoes with cheese and treats for the dogs and bags of wrapping paper and the fire going all day. Maybe I draw the line at the fourth pair of uggs for the baby, whose feet grow weekly? But apparently grandmas make these calls, not mamas.

Such abundance, in every sense! So much to eat, to read, to wear. So many people, in and out all day, laughing. A new home in a peaceful place, acres of land. Happy jobs, new co-workers and friends. 2013 on repeat please. From the blizzard to today, in one shining everlasting loop of bounty and comfort and joy.


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Jun. 12th, 2013

Sewing new curtains should have been way, way lower on my to-do list than these ended up.

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Last night after dinner (english muffin pizzas, which I understand are very, very fancy) Gabe was complaining that he wasn't really full and wanted something salty and could he have some chips? I told him that no, chips were not a choice, but he could take out the pickles if salt was really what he wanted. He loves pickles and was happy, and then the baby was doing her fisty little lunge so we gave her one too. And it was so much fun to watch her face pucker up with each bite. I don't let the little ones have lemons or limes ever since our dentist tsk-tsked about enamel damage so this was really just as fun.

I love my vacuum-- such a miracle, really. I gave the baby a little bowl of shredded cheese for breakfast (non-slimy protein sources, I search for you always) and she, predictably, made a huge mess. And I know this is dumb, and boring, and I am bored by myself, but to see all of that cheese just GONE? What an age this is. I actually have three vacuums-- a $$$ Dyson, a $$ Electrolux, and then "this" little marvel. It is seriously the best vacuum ever on hardwood floors and it is so nimble and small and sucky in the very best way something can be sucky.

Going forward, a goal that I have for myself is to be less easily irritated by people. My inner monologue can get really hateful around certain types of personalities, and I just don't have the room or the time for that sort of thing. I have noticed that my two biggest vices seem to be anyone who registers to me as inauthentic (too Pinteresty-chevron-talking-about-soulful-mothering-gag-me-with-a-spoon) or people who strike me as insular but opinionated. Like, people who post a lot on Facebook about social justice issues but really take no action on any of them ever because they're busy partying or doing crafts or whatever.

Oh and this other person on facebook irritated the shit out of me yesterday because she messaged her WHOLE LIST about some thirty-one sale (I do not want your overpriced Christian-homemaker handbags kthanx and actually am not interested in home parties selling ANYTHING). So then of course my phone goes off thirty times in fifteen minutes with people responding, and one person responds with, "Remove me from this freaking list!" and then she made about five facebook posts about the rudeness of people these days. Ha, so clueless.

But look! There I go again! Was this a major inconvenience to me? No. So why do I get SO IRRITATED about it? It's a task. Seriously, Sara. Just let it go.

Where did this latte come from? I told you to restrain me!!

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sarasos
"Saints and poets, maybe. They do some."

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